Jet Lag and Cultural Complexities

It's not been that bad, really. Last night we went to bed at midnight, and I was up before 6am; 6 hours feels like a pretty good accomplishment, considering the fact that my body was probably thinking it was mid-afternoon to mid-evening your time.

We're fascinated to learn about the role of cultural expectations and practices on relationships. It's essential information for anyone hoping to impart helpful information about how to heal, strengthen and protect relationships. For instance, the power of the opinions of one's family on decisions about marriage, and even after marriage. It's not that this is absent in the West, but the extent of an extended families rights to their children's homes and right to interrupt and affect their lives is stunning.

For instance, if a member of a family dies, its not uncommon for twenty relative families to descend on the city of the deceased to stay in the homes of relatives living there for extended periods of time. Extended family shows up on the doorstep, and it would be unthinkable to make mention of the fact that there isn't enough room in the house. Perhaps that's not that shocking, but imagine the next one.

In-laws commonly show up at children's homes to stay for weeks and weeks. While they are there it is the duty of the wife to graciously host. That's a challenging proposition in itself, but it is even more challenging if the guests are not tidy and polite because not a word can be said to them. Now, the wife might complain to her husband and ask him to ask his family to change some of there behaviors, but there is little chance that he will do so. Even if he is an assertive executive in the work world, it would be taboo for him to "correct" his parents.

We certainly hear of isolated cases of family dynamics like this in our work as relationship coaches in the states, but when we do, we're quick to cite the leave and cleave passage from the bible, and to urge a husband to protect his wife by leaving his family and cleaving to his wife by establishing boundaries for the behavior of his family in his home, including when and how long they are welcome in his (and his wife's) home. Such advice is not so easy to give in Indian culture, I'm told.

So, what would you do in a relationship skills seminar if asked by a husband what to do in this position between a rock and a hard place; pressure to NOT say anything to family and an unhappy wife? Test yourself by coming up w/ your answer before reading further.

One response we would consider would go like this, "It's not our place to advise you what to do, but we could help you, and you and your wife to evaluate your options. Would that be helpful?" If he says yes, then we would ask permission to ask some questions about his thoughts, feelings and desires. "How does it feel to be asked by your wife to do something that would offend your family? What have been your thoughts about possible options to solve this?" We might also share what we have seen other couples do in similar situations, but we would NEVER tell them what they should do! Why? Because it is their right to decide how to handle their relationship. They are the ones that have to live with the consequences of their choices, and they, better than us, understand the nuanced complexities of their circumstances.

As relationship coaches and educators we are at our best when we provide information about skills and attitudes that have worked well for other couples to prevent misunderstandings, to build closeness, to resolve conflict in a way that builds the relationship, etc, NOT when we opine as experts about WHAT a couple should do in their challenging circumstances. Does this make sense?

If anything, Day #1 of our cultural awareness and understanding seminar from our friends reinforced the importance of humility for people helpers. We know what we know, but we don't know everything. Others are expert about their life circumstances. Thus, fidelity to a coach approach in which we ask and listen to help others to process their thoughts, feelings, desires, goals and potential action-steps to accomplish those goals is essential.

Well, you're off to bed, and we're off to breakfast. Out for some sightseeing today. Check f book for some pics later.

blessings, Jeff